Letter to my Girlfriends: Carrie Fever

“She gets Carrie fever but as soon as the show's over, she’s right back to being my soldier…” Jay-Z, Bonnie and Clyde’03

While watching the muddled version of Sex and the City on TBS, I realized while I’m on my quest to become the Black Carrie Bradshaw, I got caught up in the fantasy of having my own Mr. Big. For the longest time, I thought my high school sweetheart was my young adult version of Mr. Big. In high school we were dangerously in love, we skipped school to be together, stayed on the phone all night. We listened to Music Soulchild’s sophomore album while cuddling on his couch in his mom’s basement. I even honed my writing skills by drafting love poems; and in the mist of our love we got matching tattoos (a decision I don’t regret but will never do again).

I then made the hardest decision of my teen years by breaking up with Mr. Big the night before he went to college, and although we cried at the thought of breaking up, I knew I couldn’t compromise our love by the temptation of fast college girls. When he came back home for Christmas we rekindled our relationship; but, by spring break we broke up. Come summertime, we found summer love. I left for college, and we broke up again. Then I broke up with my college boyfriend for Mr. Big, and we got back together. Currently Mr. Big and I are broken up, and I’m currently in a relationship that sometimes got strained by Mr. Big.

See the comparisons?

I even had a Natasha moment. No one got physically hurt by chasing me out of an apartment, but my boyfriend did get hurt emotionally. After a brief affair, I realized that hurting someone who loves you doesn’t feel too good, and years of a on and off relationship with no clear direction is just silly.

Watching Carrie let Mr. Big continue to play her by moving to California without her input, or running to Paris and finding a wife or just not letting her into his life, just felt so relatable. And though I have great set of friends like Carrie who understood my relationship with my Mr. Big, Carrie’s vulnerability towards Mr. Big is one trait of her character traits that I don’t want to adopt.

Even after the watching the movie, I was heated at how Mr. Big stood her up on their wedding day. How does one have cold feet after 10 years of dating? That’s when I knew I had to move on. I have been dealing with my Mr. Big for six years, and I refuse to make it a decade. Though I have bid my farewell to our love affair, I truly believe that young love is the truest form of love. It’s love before all the bull that hits you, before you experience heartbreak. It's love when you’re just young, innocent and madly in the moment.

To my Mr. Big, thank you for being my first love. But I could never get married in a courthouse. The library is much cooler.

Letter to my Girlfriends: Love Thyself

At the end of my shift, my co-worker was pouting around the work place. When I asked what was wrong, she sighed and said, “I’m too skinny.” I tired to stifle my laugh but my tact was not in best form that night. She continued with, “do you think I’m too skinny? I’m sick of boys saying that I have no body. I try to gain weight but no matter what I eat, I can’t gain weight.” Now, although I laughed, it wasn’t funny because she was on the verge of tears.

I replied with, “I think you look fine, I wish that my biggest problem was being too skinny.” I continued by telling my svelte co-worker that being able to eat anything without gaining weight is an exciting feat, my co-worker looked puzzled. I said, “When I eat I worry if my meal is going to create more dimples on my thighs, so I haven’t enjoyed dessert in forever. I would be very excited if I could enjoy a chocolate mousse cake after every meal.” My luckily skinny coworker stated that, although she can eat to her heart’s desire without gaining a pound, she longed for the body I had.

How often do we wish to have something that another girl has? Whether, it’s another girl’s long flowing thick hair, her almond shaped eyes, or the girl with the model strut who walks effortless down the street in her 4 inch heels as if it’s her runway, or the girl who exudes confidence or even the girl with the boyfriend? As females, there is always a girl that we wish we could become for just for a couple of hours or even a couple of days.It’s not that we are unhappy with ourselves, we just envision better versions of ourselves.

For example, I’m short (really, I’m 4’11’’) and although, I can wear heels all the time without towering over my date and I can skip lines because no one ever notices the short girl, I sometimes wish I were taller. At least, 5’8’’, I mean for one, I could model at that height and for two; I always wanted to be the girl that commanded everyone’s attention when she walked into a room. Instead, I have to find other ways to seek my own self-indulgence of attention. I have to speak a little louder to get notice and I have to dress just a little funkier to grab the attention of guys because in a sea of tall women, I feel that I get lost in the crowd as the lil’ stumpy, girl who looks 12.

What about the days when you feel un-pretty, and you notice the girl next to you in the coffee shop has gorgeous skin and you sigh because right now your skin is misbehaving. Or the girl in your class, who can give a speech in front of a group of students without breaking a sweat or stumbling over her words, as if she was born to be an orator, while you shook uncontrollably throughout your speech.

Those days, I wish I had magical powers where I could pick and choose others’ assets and add them to myself. After hours of self-loathing, I realize that everything, I am not makes me everything I am. If I could Harry Potter every aspect of myself, then how could I possible be unique? When I walk into a room everyone will not notice me, but if they hang around the hors d'oeuvre, they will notice and remember my crazy water cooler talk, so what I lack in height, I make up with coolness and wit. If I was 5’8’’, then would I still be stylish? I would probably not wear my funky BCBG heels because then I would tower over guys. And no more line skipping for me, I would always have to stay in the back of the line because everyone would notice my 5'8'' self trying to skip the line.

Loving yourself is the best quality, a girl could ever have. Learn to embrace every curve; your thin but healthy hair and your skin that sometimes does not agree with you but constantly glows. You’ll realize that your confidence in being the best you, makes you the girl that others wish they could become.

Letter to my Girlfriends: Smells like Teen Spirit

Is it possible for men to tell if a female is in a relationship? I was told that to guys, I smell like I’m married. My first response was it is a good marriage or am I headed towards divorce? But the comment did make me wonder, do I hold my nose up with an air that says: I’m attached?

My male BFFs and I went out to eat and one of my boys was trying to holla at the waitress. I was trying to enjoy my Blue Moon but I couldn’t stop laughing at his game, although she was giggling, smiling and clearly wasn’t focusing on the rest of her tables, I thought his lines were so corny. It started was the simple hey, how you doing lines, then it went into, “ I’m doing good boo now that I saw you, you know I came into this restaurant just to see you boo.” “You’re looking good boo, do you go to gym? O, we go to the same gym, how come I never see you in your fine gym wear?” He continued with, “You know how you can make my day even better? If you give me your number.” The pretty waitress shot my homeboy down, stating that she just got out of a relationship and was taking it slow so she wasn’t given him the digits to place in his blackberry.

Their conversation continued throughout our meal, with a promise to see each other again. I thought to myself, is this what all guys say to try to pick up girls? I mean although, the waitress was laughing and smiling, I couldn’t help but think how unoriginal and cheesy his lines were. When I told him about his whack lines; he proceeded to tell me that I wouldn’t know how to respond if a guy even hollered at me because I’ve been in a relationship for so long.

Sometimes I do feel as if there is a sign that glows and orbits around my head that says, “taken” but you can’t possible tell if I’m taken when I just walked into the club or I’m walking down the street. I told my homeboy I disagreed with his statement, I let him know that I wouldn’t know how to respond if the guy came to me with the same lines he given out. “Your fine gym clothes?” That statement is just laughable.

But why is it that some days, I get hollered at more than others? Does a girl who is barely 5 feet imitate guys? Maybe I don’t have a sign that travels with me but a certain savoir-faire, which may discourage guys from hollering at me. O, the woes of being a fly girl. Though, indeed I am taken, so I shouldn’t be worried about guys and their corny pick up lines but sometimes, I like to know that I still have the ability to attract guys, it’s a self-esteem thing. And I also worry about my fellow single fly girls; I would like to know that they still have dating options from guys who are truly interested in them and not using the same lines that they used on the last girl.

It’s like what Beyoncé said in her hit, “Upgrade Up U,”- “Sending me a drink ain't appeasing, Believe me, Come harder this wont be easy.” While, I’m sure my fly girls would enjoy a free martini, originality and being sincere is still the best pick up line.

Letter to my Girlfriends: Ride or Die

Every man wants a ride or die chick, you know, the girl who bags up the bud, pushes the weight on Greyhound and then defends him in the courtroom, all for the love of her man. Sure, it sounds thrilling and exciting when Lil’ Kim speaks on how she bagged up bricks for Biggie or when Jay-Z states his love for his thoroughness girl, his solider, Bonnie. But in the wake of recently events around me, I am seeing that love can make females do some of the most idiotic things.

I have seen a friend who is the most outspoken person in the world, become so mum when her boyfriend speaks to her. He has called her out of her name numerous times to the point where he is verbally abusive, when he calls her a Bitch, the girl who was once outspoken and brassy never utters a response back.

Or my other friend who takes being a ride or die chick literally, from selling drugs for her man, bagging the drugs and then harboring his actions by allowing this guy to live with her.

Yes, we’ve all been in love before but there is a difference between being a ride or die chick to just being a silly chick in love.

A real ride or die chick isn’t a chick at all; she’s a grown woman who understands the meaning of holding her man down while simultaneously upgrading him. A real ride or die woman understands that even if her man doesn’t have much to his name, her loyalty and faith remains. A ride or die woman is so clever that she can turn her man’s tiny apartment into a place fit for a king, she rubs his back after a long day of work and lets him know that everything will work out.

A real ride or die woman shows her man that she is outspoken enough to go blow for blow with him, not only putting him in place if he’s stepping out of line but also showing him that she doesn’t take any lip from anyone, including him.

The real Bonnie to a Clyde is smarter than the average; she’s the woman who helps her man become the best he possibly can be. If he’s jobless, she goes through the city paper with him, if he’s stressing about work, she becomes his biggest cheerleader and listens to him vent about his bitchy boss. Bonnie in my 22-year-old opinion is a woman who can go to war with her man and bring the big guns.

Showing your unconditional love to someone is the best way to be a ride or die woman, but don’t fall in the category of being so crazy in love that you allow your man to step all over you. Show him your down with him by not only bringing out the best in him but showing him the best in you. The purpose of a relationship is bring out the best within each other and loving the person, flaws in all. Don’t become shadow in the relationship, stand by your man and that’s the best way for being a ride or die woman.

Check out one of favorite cut’s from Raheem Devaughn’s, Love Behind the Melody:

'Mo’ Better'

Letter to my Girlfriends: Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder

“Hoes are lazy,” those are the exact words from my homeboy who explained why guys do not court women anymore. “ It’s because we don’t have to, why take this girl on a date when I can take the next girl home without spending any money or time,” he explains. After I told him not to call females, hoes, he continued his rant by stating with the sea of thirsty females who needs to chase the female with the “high standards?”

I asked myself two questions, are females giving it up too easily? And what happened to the thrill of the chase?

Abstinence shows the desire to attract better boyfriend prospects as opposed to the usual suspects. And if sisters stopped putting out, then brothers would have to step their game up. If there is indeed a sea of thirsty women, how can you differentiate yourself? I believe that understanding that your vagina is a powerful tool makes all the difference. It’s like the Jay-Z and R. Kelly song called 'P*ssy', on their 2002, “Best of Both Worlds” CD, on the song Jay and Kelly rap that everything males do is to make themselves more appealing to females and the prospect of getting some. When brothers get their haircuts, buy the 2008 Lexus, it’s all because of the p*ssy power.

So, there can’t possibly be a sea of thirsty females, when the females hold the power. Let’s go back to the old days of courting, let’s make men step their game up, if he asks you out on a date, let him know that does not mean coming back to his apartment to chill. Let’s make men understand the importance of companionship, the importance of getting to know you mentally before physically. It’s sadden to know that there are females who sleep with men before they know their last names or even a way to contact them afterwards.

Granted, you might be the kind of female who just likes to have sex without the companionship but if you are the contrary and your tired of putting out and still not getting exactly what you want, play a little harder. Usually, Mr. Right doesn’t find the thirsty girl as attractive as he finds a challenge.

You teach people how to treat you, and when you start respecting yourself, then it commands the respect of others. And if the brother scoffs and states that your standards are too high, then he isn’t interested in getting to know you as a person. Fly girls, let the brother who scoffs at your standards know, that he can’t attract Cristal with a Boone’s Farm mind state.

Check out Little Brother’s 'Step it Up': Make him step his game up!

Letter to my Girlfriends:You Should Let Him Love You

Listening to females complain about their cheating boyfriends, I often wonder if they are truly unhappy if they would leave the two-timer or stay with him just for the sake of having a boyfriend? The girls who complain are gorgeous, educated, funny and stylish, and if their boyfriends don’t see all their wonderful qualities, then he doesn’t deserve my fellow fly girls.

To my ladies who stay with the boyfriend who cheats, I ask this simple question: Why don’t you see all the qualities in yourself that I see? Why don’t you see that there are probably tons of guys constantly checking your facebook page to see if you’ve change your status from, “in a relationship” to “single” that if you were to leave your dude alone, you probably wouldn’t be alone for long.

Or what about the female who dates guys, who have a two-baby mama minimal, works at fast food restaurants, has no car and lives at home. While she has zero baby daddy’s, is a budding career woman and is independent- do you know what that means? That means that she has her own apartment, her own car and works a job that doesn’t include the introduction, “May I take your order please?” Yet, her choices in men are less than stellar.

Or the homegirl who has been dealing with the same guy for years and while she’s hoping he will be her real life, Mr. Big. Her dealings with him look more Sex and the City, season one than season six. Why are we lowering our standards just to get a date? And if the pickings are indeed slim should we be prepared to be lonely forever?

It’s one thing to maybe lower your standards when the time is ticking on your biological clock by while we’re still young and vibrant with plenty to choose from, why choose less when you can have more?

It’s not just the decision to out on a date with the fast food guy and if the fellow fly girl really enjoyed his company and truly liked him and his children than more power to her, but it’s when she allows herself to be objectified and caught in the all the drama with the baby mamas and babysitting kids that aren’t hers just so she won’t have to go to the movies alone, that’s lowering standards.

Allowing yourself to accept that he doesn’t call you back, he doesn’t bring you flowers, pokes girls on facebook daily, meets jump-offs on myspace, shows that you don’t love yourself. When you allow yourself to break up with him and get back together for years, it maybe shows evidence of low self-esteem. Hoping that he will change and become your true life, Mr. Big is just that, a hope.

I have the utmost respect for my ladies, we are strong and self-determining, yet I wish all females could see the fly girl that lives within them. My girlfriends have always told me that my standards are too high, but I don’t see it that way, I see my standards in men as a reflection of what I want in life and I deserve all that I work hard for. With so many daily struggles, the last thing I want to struggle with is my love life. I want to come home to a man who calls me back with the sense of urgency, who surprises me with my favorite flowers, a man that makes date plans and comes thru with the dinner reservations.

Dear fellow fly girls, right now, we are in our prime, we start our dating habits in our 20s and if we’re constantly having the conversations about how men aren’t sh*t than maybe it’s not them -its you. Stop allowing yourself to settle when you deserve the world. I believe that there are good men out there and you will have to kiss plenty of frogs to get to your prince but once your knight in shining armor arrives, you’ll realize how the frogs are best left in the wild.

Listen to Mario’s 'Let Me Love You'